Phantoms
by psychstudent
Summary: Sheppard suffers an emotional trauma from the events of Phantoms.
1. Chapter 1

It had only been a few weeks since he had been tortured by Kolya and suffered through the wraith feedings, but here he sat in a forest on M1... with his team trying to come to terms with another messed up mission. He had, under the influence of wraith technology no less, relived a memory he had been trying to forget for many years. It wasn't just that he had shot Ronon and Rodney and could have hurt Teyla as well, it was the culmination of the memories; the flashbacks to the wraith, the almost killing members of his team…his best friend, that led to him sitting next to the tree, whilst Becket treated Rodney, wishing he was anywhere else. His heart was racing, he couldn't sit still, he ached from the tumble down the hill earlier made worse by the way he could stop shaking. Yes, at the moment, Colonel Sheppard felt like crap.

"He shot me," said Rodney for what had to be the umpteenth time since they had regrouped after shutting down the device.

Sheppard just sat there, staring vacantly into the distance, not noticing when Rodney kept speaking.

"I can't believe you shot me Sheppard! Who did you think I was anyway that was so bad you wanted to shoot me?" asked Rodney in a pained, slightly whiney voice.

It took John a few seconds to register the question. He closed his eyes, summoning the courage and his voice in order to answer.

"I… I… I was back in Afghanistan Rodney, I thought you were a Taliban soldier, my only thoughts were to protect Holland…I mean Telya, Teyla. I'm sorry… really sorry." John said as the twitching and shaking in his arms and legs seemed to get worse, his breathing came in shorter pants and sweat began forming on his forehead. Beckett moved from Rodney's side over to John, receiving worried glances from the other members of the team.

John had seemed fine after the device was shut down and he found Beckett and contacted Elizabeth back in Atlantis, however, as time had moved on they had began to notice John withdrawing, lacking concentration and an edginess to his behaviour. Beckett was worried and he could tell that Ronon, Teyla and even Rodney had sensed the changes and were worried as well. Coming to a stop beside the Colonel, Beckett reached out to check John's pulse, causing John to jump and move back into the tree more.

"John, lad, it's Carson, I just want to check you out." Carson tried to soothe. But it didn't register with John who was muttering to himself about being sorry and Afghanistan. Carson was getting worried and again attempted to check the Colonel's pulse. It was racing faster than it should be. John had curled up his knees and was resting his head on them, unaware of Carson next to him.

"He's in shock," he quietly stated to the others who looked over with worried expressions. Carson was worried about the deterioration in the John's condition since they had sat down in the clearing, any further stress on the Colonel's heart or change in his breathing could hurt John more than he already was and Carson could not afford for a sound, a movement or a flashback to endanger John or the rest of them. He knew Sheppard needed to calm down and rest but it was clear that John was not in a state to understand or follow Carson's advice.

John felt a hand rubbing his shoulder and he tried to move away but his limbs were not behaving, he felt a prick and looked up wildly.

"Shh lad, you're in shock, you have suffered an emotional trauma greater than ours it seems through reliving a horrible memory. You need to rest lad, I've just given you something to help." said Carson, continuing to rub John's shoulder as the sedative pulled John down into the darkness.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been a while since John had fell into a sedated sleep, leaving Beckett to continue to care for his other patients whilst trying to determine how John would react when he woke up. All of their hallucinations, apart from John's, centred on a fear of a concept, a feeling, a generality. John's had been about of a specific memory, a memory Carson had a feeling that John kept locked away along with many others he wished to forget; being a man prone to not accepting help and bottling away his feelings Carson feared that this may be the tipping point for John following his torture a few weeks ago that Carson believed was still unresolved in Sheppard's mind. The other members of the team had watched as Carson injected Sheppard, each wondering if this were the breaking point.

"Colonel Sheppard, this is Caldwell, please report," came a voice over the radio. "Colonel Sheppard, this is the Daedalus, please respond."

Carson touched his radio and replied, "This is Dr Beckett, we have wounded and need transport to the infirmary."

"Understood Dr Beckett, where is Colonel Sheppard?"

"The Colonel is one of the … injured and is currently unconscious." responded Carson.

"How is the Colonel unconscious, according to Dr Weir he was fine at her check in? How are the others?"

"Aye, he was but his condition deteriorated, I had to sedate him. Kagan is holding on and the others will be fine but I would like to get them into proper medical care as soon as possible."

"Of course Dr Beckett, we will beam you to the ship's infirmary and I will meet you there. Daedalus out."

With that last comment, the six remaining people were beamed aboard to the Daedalus infirmary.

* * *

Onboard the Daedalus, members of the ship's medical team swarmed around the patients, taking vitals and situating them on the beds in the infirmary. Dr Newman, the Daedalus' Chief Medical Officer approached Carson, looking for signs of injury.

"Don't worry about me, I'm fine David. It's the others I'm worried about," said Carson.

Dr Newman nodded. "Just checking Carson. What can you tell me?"

"Lieutenant Kagan has shrapnel wounds to the chest, I managed to bring him back once but he needs surgery. Teyla was shot in the leg. Rodney in the chest. Ronon has a bullet wound to his upper arm and the Colonel is sedated, he was suffering from emotional trauma, possibly Acute Stress Syndrome, his heart rate and breathing had me worried as well as his what his reactions could be so I sedated him so he could rest." said Carson as he moved toward the Colonel's bed. The doctors looked over all their patients and Lt. Kagan was taken into surgery whilst the other's were attended to by other medical staff.

"Dr Beckett." said Colonel Caldwell as he entered the infirmary.

"Colonel Caldwell, how long until we reach Atlantis?"

"We will be there in about 10 hours. When will Colonel Sheppard be able to debrief me?" asked Caldwell.

"Not for a while, he will be asleep for a few hours yet, and then I don't know if he'll be up to discussing today's events."

"Okay. But as soon as he is able I would like his report, Dr Beckett. I will return to the bridge."

As Caldwell left to return to the Bridge Carson checked on Teyla, Ronon and Rodney. Seeing that their injuries were being taken care of and they were resting he allowed himself to sit down and think about what had happened to him.

* * *

A little over 10 hours later Elizabeth entered the infirmary on Atlantis to get an update on her people. She found Carson sitting in his office with a cup of tea.

"Carson, welcome back. How is everyone?" she asked.

"Aye Elizabeth, it's good to be back. Lt. Kagan is recovering nicely after his surgery, as is Rodney. He should be out of here in a few days as long as he rests. I have released Ronon and Teyla to the quarters and my team will check on them over the next day or so. They received fluids and treatment on the Daedalus and they will rest better in their quarters I'm sure." relayed Carson.

"And John?" asked Elizabeth.

"Aye, he's resting comfortably. I want to keep him here overnight for observation. He had me worried on the planet, he was showing symptoms of emotional trauma and anxiety. I'm afraid that the Colonel didn't recover from the shock of the wraith feedings a few weeks ago, and now the shock of reliving such an unpleasant memory has pushed him a bit far. He keeps things bottled up, I know that Kate has had trouble getting him to talk in their sessions since Kolya and that has just added to his reaction to what he experienced today."

"Can I see him?" Elizabeth asked. Carson nodded and they walked in to the infirmary over to the Colonel's bed in the corner.

"He's sleeping again. He woke briefly earlier, I gave him a painkiller for a headache and muscle pains, which along with his exhaustion sent him off to sleep again fairly quickly. I have him on an IV to keep him hydrated. Hopefully I will release him tomorrow and have him talk to Kate."

"I understand, I'll make sure Kate schedules appointments with all of you. I won't sign off on full duty until I have heard from Kate."

"Aye, I will be making an appointment as soon as possible, it was hard today not trusting my judgement." smiled Carson. "Now it's late and we both need to get some rest." With that Carson showed Elizabeth out of the infirmary and after one last check of his patients Carson told Amy, one of his nurses, that he would be sleeping in his office if he was needed.

_They were surrounded by Taliban, no way to escape. Holland was getting worse, losing more blood, he needed to get him out of here. Crawling up the embankment, he looked over the edge, suddenly, shots were fired, he ducked, they were close. His heartbeat sped up, he looked around, no way to escape. Then out of nowhere, he and Holland were being held at gun point, he tried to cover Holland, but he was too slow. BANG! He felt blood on his face. He froze, they had shot Holland, he had been too weak to be of any use, they had shot him! _

_He felt a gun behind his head and in Arabic was ordered to do something. He couldn't move, hands were on him, hitting him, kicking him…._

John woke with a scream, he didn't know where he was, he fought with the sheets and the IV in his hand was ripped out. Amy came rushing over, trying to calm him, but he couldn't hear her, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't stop shaking.

Carson came rushing out of his office as he heard the scream, quickly glancing around the otherwise quiet infirmary he saw Amy trying to calm Colonel Sheppard. Moving over to the bed he grabbed John's shoulders and tried to catch the Colonel's attention.

"John, lad, John, I need you to calm down, take slow breaths for me, lad. Come on John."

John's eyes moved and fixed on the doctor. "Carson?" John struggled to get out. He felt an oxygen mask being placed over his nose and mouth and pulled in the much needed gas, taking slower, deeper breaths as he was pushed back against his pillows.

"Shh, just breathe for me," Carson said as he took John's pulse. "Do you want to tell me what that was all about lad?" Carson hoping that John would confide in him about the nightmare. But, as he asked the question John seemed to start shaking again and his breathing become more laboured.

_BANG! There was blood on his face, Holland's blood._

John grabbed Carson's arm and muttered, "Sick…" He felt a basin being placed under his chin and started to vomit, unable to control his reaction. Carson rubbed his back and talked to him soothingly as John emptied his stomach of the little he had in there. John stopped heaving after a few minutes and laid back against the pillows. Amy used a damp cloth to wipe his mouth and face of sweat as Carson checked his vitals.

"John, tell me what you're feeling." said Carson worriedly.

"So…sorry, just a bad dream, sorry I woke you. I'm fine now." said John trying to put on a smile as he settled back into bed.

"No, you ain't fine lad. Are ya still feeling nauseous?" John grimaced in reply. He felt Carson fiddle with his IV and felt a cool wave travelling up his arm, drifting back to sleep.

Carson left Amy to tidy everything up after asking her to keep an eye on the Colonel and wake him if he woke again. As Amy confirmed she would, he returned to the cot in his office and closed his eyes. Two more times that night, John woke up screaming, crying and dry heaving. Carson was unable to get the Colonel to talk and despite giving the Colonel a sedative he still awoke from nightmares confused and edgy.

Carson was checking on Rodney as he woke, asking about the Colonel.

"He'll be okay Rodney, just needs sometime to process what happened alright. Do you think you could eat some breakfast?" Rodney replied that yes he could, giving Carson a look that said 'Are you an idiot?'. Carson patted Rodney on the shoulder and left to get a nurse to bring him a tray.

Meanwhile, John was beginning to stir. Carson approached carefully, trying not to startle the Colonel. John looked over as Beckett took his wrist to take his pulse. Satisfied that it was within normal range, he continued with a brief exam, finally flashing his penlight in his patient's eyes. John swatted at the offending light, scrunching up his eyes.

"Argh, get off Carson." said John.

"How bad is the headache?"

"Not too bad." John said, not expanding and not meeting Carson's eyes.

"Aye, well I'll get you something anyway, do you think you're up to eating something?" John shrugged and turned over placing his back to Carson, effectively ending the conversation. "I'll bring you something and I want you to try to eat it."

Carson returned shortly after finding John in the same position. He gave John pills and set some toast and juice on the rolling table.

"Eat that up lad, Elizabeth will be along shortly to visit you." said Carson hoping to get a response but received another shrug. Carson left, once John had eaten one piece of toast and started on the second, to check on Rodney.

_John looked down at Rodney. "You shot me!" Rodney exclaimed._

Closing his eyes, John tried to get rid of the sight of Rodney lying on the ground bleeding. He tried to fight down the growing nausea but was unable to, leaning over the bed and heaving up his breakfast. Carson came running over as the sound of retching as a nurse placed a basin under John's chin. The heaving lasted several minutes as Carson checked John over. Slowly, John was laid back against his pillows as the heaving stopped, allowing the nurse to wipe his face with a cool cloth, removing the sweat that had formed.

"John, how are you feeling, does it hurt anywhere?" Carson asked concerned that he had missed something in his prior exams.

John shook his head curled up, quietly whispering, "Sick…tired."

"Aye, you had a rough night, I'll get you something to help with the nausea and to help you rest alright, and when you wake up we'll have a chat, okay?" soothed Carson as Lucy, the nurse, brought him the required medicines and he injected them into the Colonel's IV port. As the medications took effect, he and Lucy settled John under the covers making sure he was comfortable. Carson then went to his office to update John's chart where he met Elizabeth.

"Are John and Rodney okay?" Elizabeth was concerned about chief science officer and military commander.

"Rodney's doing fine, ate his breakfast and is already complaining and asking for his laptop. He's worried about Colonel Sheppard, as am I, so I'm trying to keep him occupied and not bugging the Colonel. And talking about Colonel Sheppard, he woke up three times having had nightmares last night. He managed to eat breakfast but that promptly made a reappearance. He said he had a headache but that shouldn't have caused the vomiting. I gave him something to help with the nausea and to help him sleep. I'm afraid you'll have to wait til later to see him."

"Of course Carson, I'll just check in with Rodney. Keep me updated." Elizabeth left the office and went to visit Rodney.

Carson sent two of his nurses to check on Teyla and Ronon and to take them breakfast whilst he checked on Lt. Kagan and commed Dr Heightmeyer to meet him in his office in a few minutes. Kate arrived 15 minutes later bearing coffee and breakfast for the doctor, making sure Carson looked after himself, as well as his patients.

"Carson, how are you doing?" asked Kate as the doctor attacked his breakfast.

"I'm okay lass, I will make an appointment with you soon. At the moment I'm worried about Colonel Sheppard. On the planet he was in shock, and I believe he still is. He's having nightmares, possibly flashbacks, he's edgy, easily startled and is withdrawing and it's affecting his physical health."

Kate studied Beckett for a few minutes and finally said "I have you scheduled in along with the others over the next two days. It seems that Colonel Sheppard is still suffering from the effects of an emotional trauma and unless we combat this now it will continue to affect both his physical and emotional health."

"Aye, he's sleeping at the moment, I had to sedate him earlier again. I don't think he has gotten over the trauma of the wraith feedings and now this as well as all the other stuff he keeps bloody bottled up, I dunno." Carson sighed. The two doctors continued to discuss Colonel Sheppard's condition and possible treatment plans. Kate then left to talk with Teyla, promising to come back when the Colonel was awake to talk with him.

Meanwhile, Rodney had been working on his laptop, occasionally glancing around the infirmary pausing his gaze when he reached the curtained area of Sheppard's bed. He had heard the commotion earlier and knew the Colonel was sleeping, albeit a drugged sleep. He was aware he had not helped by continually saying 'he shot me' but it was his way of coping and he was getting worried about how his best friend was handling shooting him along with the mess of other feelings and memories the experience must have brought up. Rodney paused his typing when he heard moans coming from Sheppard's bed. Gingerly placing his laptop on the table he slowly climbed out of bed, closing his eyes at the dizziness and pain the movement set off. Once he had regained his balance and the pain had eased he slowly shuffled toward Sheppard's bed to see if he could help his friend.

He found Sheppard moan and writhing in his sleep, muttering words like 'No, don't', 'Please, not again' and 'Wraith' when suddenly John sat up with a scream that pierced the quiet of the infirmary. Rodney grabbed John's arm to try to ground the agitated pilot but instead he was pushed away and the Colonel proceeded to dry heave over the side of the bed.

Carson, having been in his office, came running over with Lucy as soon as they heard the scream. Lucy caught Rodney and assisted him to his bed whilst Carson tried to comfort the Colonel.

"Shh lad, its okay, you're safe on Atlantis." Carson said soothingly as John finished dry heaving. Lucy returned with a damp cloth and a new scrub top which she proceeded to help the Colonel change into.

Carson filled a glass with some water and brought it to John's mouth. "Colonel, just a few sips now." John drank and allowed Lucy to change his top. Carson checked his vitals which he tutted at, he looked at John with concern. "Would you care to tell me about your nightmare? It'll help." Carson asked hopefully.

John just looked at him tiredly, shaking his head and again withdrawing back into himself. At Carson's next comment he just turned his back and ignored the doctor until he turned and left.

"I'm gonna call Dr Heightmeyer and she's going to come talk to ya. She's gonna be talking with all of us, but I think you need her more at the moment." And with that he left Lucy to stay with the Colonel whist he went to check on Rodney and call Kate.

"Carson, is he going to be okay? He was muttering about wraith and pleading for someone to stop." Rodney blurted out as soon as he saw Carson.

"I dunno Rodney, with time and allowing us to help him he will I'm sure. Let me check you over." Carson said as he examined Rodney to make sure getting out of bed had no ill effect on the healing physicist.


End file.
